Wednesday, June 22, 2016
http://thoughtcatalog.com/ona-abelis/2014/07/21-signs-youre-dating-an-emotionally-unavailable-man/
food for thought?
aiya, sometimes these articles are nice to read and also pretty interesting cos sometimes you can really identify with the experiences of these writers too. And of course, sometimes they also help me to sort of empathise (or at least I try to) with the pains of my current loved one.
but it still doesn't make me feel good sigh...
why did I have to be in the picture at this time?! why couldn't I have met him before he became so afraid to invest in relationships? Why am I only able to have someone who has already given so much of himself and promised so much more (without any prompting at all) to those who came before me and yet is unable to put down all these baggage and past hurts when it comes to being in a relationship with me?
I honestly don't even know whether you are really completely over your past relationships or not. Sometimes I think that harbouring hurt from the past relationships even after so much time has passed, just really makes it seem like you still have not completely let go, and you still can recall how you have loved so hard previously and given so much in the past and how painful it was when it ended. So have you completely moved on or are you still upset by something that happened so many years ago, and still so affected by it that you would be so afraid to love someone else wholeheartedly again?
And I really really dislike myself for being willing to stay in a relationship where I know that I am not getting the full love and investment that matches what you gave the others. And maybe that's why I have thoughts of ending this from time to time. Because, of course, every girl wants to be with a man whom she knows will treasure and cherish her, who sees her as the love of his life, and who would do anything for her just to make her happy and keep her by his side forever.
I'm really not getting this feeling from you... firstly you have never promised me the world, like you did for the rest, and that really hurts. And it hurt even more that you would ask me first what I can promise you, before you would promise me the same. And furthermore, it doesn't even seem like you really want to make me happy...even when you know what would make me happy (things like setting aside time to call) , it takes such tremendous effort and struggle before you would do it (honestly how many disputes and arguments have we ended up having over this already?!) it has come to a point where I really have to wonder if you do it willingly. And I am most definitely appreciative of the fact that you are doing it now, but I honestly will never be able to use this as an example of you trying to make me happy , because you never really had the intention to set aside time to call me right from the start.
I think I take you a bit too seriously sometimes but I'm not sure how seriously you take me. like when you said, "promise me we'll talk everyday even when I'm not here " and I really took it seriously. I'm such an idiot.
and I really did mean what I said about you choosing a career based on our relationship..I am really grateful and touched that you would try so hard to get a job back here, but I think that it should be really based on a desire to come back here because maybe you really want to, and not just because you promised me that you would come back. I wouldn't want it to seem like a situation where I am forcing you to come back. I would really like for it to be more like you want to come back because there is a good reason for you to do so, and you can see very clearly what that reason is.
the kind of promises I hope for are different...it's hard to explain here but something along the lines of letting me know just how much you love me I suppose. Maybe you won't promise me the world, even though you keep telling me that you feel like i am the one for you, and that I am so much better than the rest. I don't know though, I really don't know what to feel or what to hope for sometimes.
I know you keep telling me to stay positive and believe me, I am trying my hardest. But at the end of the day I still find it difficult to understand why I agreed to try this out in the first place. I keep telling myself that I should just hang in there and wait till we can be properly together physically, before I can truly see the full potential of this relationship. maybe...I don't know.
but I also have this feeling that, even if I were really able to just harden my heart and put aside all my love for you, and really just leave, instead of purely saying that i want to do so, I'm honestly not too sure how hard you would want to fight for a chance at saving this relationship.
your lukewarm response the last time around has simply served to reinforce the notion that this relationship is not that necessary in your life anyway. Your email was a good piece of writing in helping me to understand where you are coming from, but it had also expressed to me outright that you're not actually looking for a second chance at this relationship, or a chance to redeem yourself.
which leads me to the question now...what am I still doing here?! why did I voluntarily just go back to this relationship even without any obvious request from you to stay?! I feel so stupid now... and I have to wonder now exactly how much you want this relationship and exactly how much I mean to you.
this decision that I made to stay and keep this relationship...omg. it really makes me so so disappointed in myself sometimes and i really wonder just how worth it this will be. All my time and emotion...I wish I didn't love you that much but unfortunately I do. And that really makes me sad quite often these days everytime I end up thinking and reflecting on these things whenever i have some free time to myself . sigh. stupid stupid girl! :( really wonder if this is gonna be just another example of all the bad decisions that I am constantly making.
